Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in your_moms_lovah's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
11:49 pm	Summerbreezemakesmefeelfine Ok, I haven't written in a long time because I feel like my life's been pretty boring; but it really hasn't. Here's a quick recap: 1. uuuhhhh, yeah, I graduated! I am so fucking happy that I have a degree (sometimes I still don't believe it). 2. Billy and I broke up in April. It just wasn't working out. I was noticeably unhappy (I had no idea I was being so transparent) and he picked up on it. And since I'm a fucking coward he eventually sat me down to have "the talk" (not the one about sex, the one about not having sex) and we decided to break it off. It just wasn't working anymore. That's all I have to say about that. 3. My cousin died. It was so fucking lame. She was five months younger than me. I know she had an autoimmune disease (she was diagnosed when she was 16) but we all thought she was doing well, and she was great at thanksgiving. My parents didn't even know she had relapsed until after she was dead. She had Wegener's Granulomatosis, it is really rare and almost always is diagnosed in males over 40. I think Brittany was the youngest person in the country ever diagnosed. I really miss her sometimes. She was so cool. 4. Billy asked me to take him back. I don't know why that's significant to me, but it is. He and I were still hanging out a lot, and I guess he was scared because I was moving to florida. Suffice it to say he was very emotional when I refused. I still love him even now. He was very hard to say no to. I think I got by on cool logic alone... I'm not sure it would be enough if he asks me again. 5. I moved to Florida! It's awesome except I'm housebound without a car and unemployed. As soon as I get a job Im buying a POS hot mess to use while Im down here. But I love that beautiful beaches are just short drive away. No hurricanes yet, but I've got my fingers crossed. It's also really nice to be living with KT again. 6. When I was on vay-cay I was riding a horse on the beach and it bolted; I was thrown clear and escaped with a lovely black eye. And a bruised hip. heyheyheyhey....smoke weed everyday. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 30th, 2007
10:05 pm	It almost makes me CRY. Why doesn't it work as it should? I think I was right. I am so angry at myself all the time, and I don't even fucking know why. For all intents and purposes, I was born into a life of priveledge, but I feel trapped in my own life. Maybe I am the Difficult Kind. I keep searching for something I've desparately lost, something I can't get back, only I dont know what it is. I could literally spontaneously combust. I want something to change and I want excitement, but it seems like I have nothing of that. I feel like my relationship is a big part of it. I suppose I was right...I wasn't ready for this yet, and he can't understand me. I know he tries, but he's happy, what the fuck should he be worried for? It isn't fair. And it's not fair that his emotional happiness is placed so firmly upon my shoulders. I have no reason not to love him. But for some reason, sometimes I just don't. And I have no reason to be discontent, but I am. Here's what I would have changed: I wouldn't have compromised as much, so much of myself, for fear of having him hating me. Now I hate myself. When he asked me if I love him, I shouldn't have kept my eyes glued to the ground. I shouldn't have thought my transparency would have made a difference. I wouldn't have thought it wasn't his fat luck that he got me. I wouldn't have been so self-deprecating. I should have run around screaming loudly (for fear of having my eyes scratched out). I wouldn't have feigned needlessness (but only to myself).(I'm talking pure idealism of course). It was your approval I wanted your congratulations. (You know.) "There ain't nothin like regret...to remind you you're alive..." Signed, Immature. I need a space to breathe. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: This lady sheryl. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
7:41 pm	Everything I say is a lie....except for that. and that. andthatandthatandthatandthat andthatandthata So I'm in mental health class right now (I love having a laptop) and I think it's driving me crazy....how's that for irony. I don't really have anything to say, I'm just so borrrrreeeeeddddd. My teacher is a hot chick though. Current Mood: cranky Current Music: the hum of the air conditioner, and Her voice (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
9:41 pm	A New Post. Hay ya'll, long time no see. I did really good in school last semester, a 3.8. 3 weeks ago I felt like this summer is going to be hell, but I'm actually doing ok. Anatomy and Physiology is actually going OK, and Mental Health is a joke. I just wish I wasn't in class all summer. In two weeks I move in with Billy, which hopefully will go well. I'm in the process of looking at graduate schools (I just wanna get the hell up outta here) which will hopefully also go well. I saw my only living grandparent last weekend, and apparently he has to get anueryism sugery and maybe a knee replacement. I really dont want him to get the knee replacement. I've seen two men at my work get knee replacements, and they're both worse off because of it, they have very limited mobility, and can't stand or walk without a cane. I don't feel it's a good choice for him (right now the only thing he needs is a hearing aid). He'll never be the same if he doesn't recover, and history and experience tells me he won't. I had a really long talk with my oldest sister today, which always puts me in a good mood (shes great with relationship and grad school advice) and ashley is coming down from NYC for the weekend. SO EXCITED!!! Billy and I are coming up on 1 year...I can't believe how great we're doing. It's funny how time and sentimentality change a relationship....maybe it clouds our judgement. "To see a World in a Grain of Sand and Heaven in a Wild Flower to Hold Infinity in the Palm of your Hand and Eternity in an Hour." -W. Blake Current Mood: complacent Current Music: "1-8-7 On the Motherfuckin Rock" ~Snoop Dog and Tyrone (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
10:26 pm	something old, something new I have always had this theory. That people can change on the outside, but never the inside. I can't help myself. I could act different, sound different, look different. But on the inside I would always be the same person. I used to think that human beings had evolved backward, and were no longer capable of a most basic animal instinct: adaptation. Am I just like you? I was so sure, when i got into a relationship last june, that i would be gravely disappointed. I was even angry at myself at first (though interestingly enough i was never angry at him) because maybe i had let a part of who i was, who i thought i would always be, slip away. I had worked so hard to bring myself back from the place that i came here from, and i know that 2 and half years without a relationship seem like a long time...but looking back, it seems like a blink of an eye. Am I just like you? Despite my happiness, sometimes i feel like i could break under the strain, which ironically enough, is completely self-induced. I feel like i could fall apart. But i know i wont. Because part of me is proud of what i have done for him. How do you feel when there's No One? I remember when i first met him. In retrospect, it wasnt very long ago but it seems like a lifetime, because i have seen that with every passing day and moment, he has changed. And it was for the better. I never imagined that i could have such a positive influence on someone, but i have, and i know it sounds egotistical, but its true...hes told me before. I never felt so off balance. And it felt beautiful. It was like the instant we decided to be together, some sort of emotional riptide pulled him into this intense euphoria that only seems to grow by the day. I wonder what will happen when the euphoria wears out. But i know that, for now, he has become such an amazing person, and the fact that i played a part in that, no matter how menial, is almost surreal. i never expected him to be such a sentimental person, but he talks about the future all the time...and im included in that future. It concerns me, because i know that ultimately, he and i want different things, and in the end, if we want to be together, someone will have to give. I have been in this situation before, and i am slightly worse for the wear because of it. A couple of years ago, i put my future on hold because of a boy. because he asked me to. And i did as he asked, because I loved him, and that was all i needed to know. I love billy very much. but im not sure its going to be enough next time. I know im dwelling on future problems that i may never have to deal with, but that doesnt make them any less real to me. Am i just like you? I feel like we have both changed so much, but what if its just as i suspect? What if people cant change? What if its nothing more than a brief euphoria? I swear sometimes it feels like a dream. Im not sure how to wake up. Maybe I'm afraid to. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Feeder- "stuck in a moment" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
10:19 am	So its the second day of school and im already tired of it lol. hopefully todays classes will be a little more interesting. katie, i wish i could do something to ease your pain. you have been through so much shit lately, i cant believe how well you've taken it all in stride, i really admire you for that, and if there's anything i can do for you, let me know. AND AS FOR YOU, yeebee, i miss your cute little asian ass. i wish you hadnt left towson. bitch, we still gotta go to red lobster. love you all. Current Mood: tired Current Music: red hot chilli peppers "californication" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
10:57 pm	trainwreck thank god, only 1 week till katie and rob move out. they are making my life a living hell, they made me pay extra rent be they DECIDED to move out early. like i fucking forced them or something. im not putting in over time at work so these assholes can freeload off me. im too tired to argue anymore, i just want them the hell out. i hope i never have to see them after they leave, i could so hate them right now. punk-ass bitches. *feelinfuckedup* nowhere man, please listen, you dont know what your missing. Current Mood: cranky Current Music: "nowhere man" the beatles (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
7:06 pm	been a while well i had a great vacation. it was wonderful to hang out with the girls and relax and not worry about school or work or any other shit. i just want to say thank you, curly gumbo, for making that happen for me. i cant wait to make the t-shirts. i love you. on a more personal note, i slept with billy again. what a perfect mistake. how stupid could i be? ~self destruct a.k.a. boneyfingersbailey Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: "elsewhere" sarah mclachlan (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
9:24 pm	shit I hate it when he stares at me. I'm aware what the rules are. sometimes i said sometimes i hear my voice and its been here silent all these years. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: "silent all these years" tamos (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
5:21 pm	tehehehehehe dear diary, i feel pretty good now. mostly because of katie (im also high right now), she's so wonderful. signed, Jennie *life is too short so love the one you got* Current Mood: mischievous Current Music: sublime (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 27th, 2006
8:03 pm	a story about the love between the moon and the deep blue sea angel come on down from heaven... i find myself dragging my feet. maybe its because i'm confused, and i'm never confused when it comes to men...i have always been able to love them or leave them. it was different this time. he wont make a decision, and if he has, he wont tell me what it is. dont be concerned for me, this is no life or death matter to me. maybe i have had my happiness with him, maybe it is supposed to be over now, and if this is true, i am perfectly o.k. with that. any anger i have felt towards him has been fleeting, at best. but its hard to see him at work and not know. i sense he's going through some personal issues, but he wont tell me what they are. either way, i understand that this must be just as difficult for him as it is for me, i have never blurred the lines so much. usually, everything has always been clear cut for me, and i think in this situation, i relinquished control far too quickly. it never occured to me that he would be capable of hurting me, but he was, and he did. maybe i deserve this, i've blown off so many men over the past 2 years, im sure i hurt some of them. maybe karma is real, it goes around. im surprised i haven't shed any tears over this. one more failure; one more reason to be weary. love, j'bambi Current Mood: distressed Current Music: fiona "angel" (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
1:01 am	something blue, something new people are not afraid of dying, nor are they afraid of the dark. they fear the unknown. we all do. but dont kid yourself, even at my worst, i will be your luck, never be your curse. i'll squeeze the blood out of life. HELL HERE. Current Mood: cold Current Music: THE CURSE - audioslave (Comment on this)
Monday, January 30th, 2006
1:42 am	freakin... ok, so i blazed with kdob down on the old bosley run and i was tailed by a pig for like 10 miles, freak me out man. and then on the way back i passed like a million fucking cops. oh yeah, and kdob, thanks for the reminders. you're my number one girl. i guess it was my turn but you know how i get sometimes. diana im so glad you're back. "matt damon!" Current Mood: crazy Current Music: "better version of me" -shinedown (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
5:08 pm	not today, baby. hey peeps! i saw michelle and laura today. we went to lunch and went over wedding plans. it was ssoooo much fun seeing them again, i forgot how much i miss hanging out with them. it was so much fun, it really was just what i needed. then i saw billy. that sucked. (Comment on this)
8:43 am	well, its nice to be at my parent's house. im glad to see my dog and my family, but its kind of crazy how quiet it is here compared to towson, although i must say...this semester has defiately been my worst yet. a lot of things went wrong, and i think part of my problem is that i never feel able to talk to anyone about it. i thought about talking to my mom, shes always been a great listener, but i know some of the things i have done would hurt her, and i've always tried so hard to make her happy. i guess im frustrated...i know it sounds selfish, but i feel like everyone around me is happy but me, and for some stupid fucking reason i dont know why, and dammit its not like me to be this way. i've never been into self-pity. one of my best friends got engaged. im so excited, she asked me to help plan her wedding and be a bridesmaid. i cant wait to throw her a bachelors party (tehehehehe) i think im going to put together a wedding scrapbook for her, i went out last night and bought all these materials. cause i'm as free as a bird now...and this bird you will not change the farm is so peaceful this time of year. last night the lake froze over. i walked out on to it. it was windy, but also very calm. its strange, walking on the ice in the dark. its so hard to keep your balance. Current Mood: calm Current Music: lynrd skynrd (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 8th, 2005
1:57 pm	ahhh...one more week for this semester...and holy shit its gonna be hell for me. i cant wait till school's done, i cant wait till christmas, i cant wait till the pink floyd cover concert on saturday. i cant wait till everyone from the burg comes home for winter break...(holla!)...so i have a huge exam tomorrow that im hoping will be postponed due to the snow. im pissed bc i didnt get free kingkong tix. oh well. life's a bitch. im restless, but so, so, tired. GGGuuuRRRLLL: "I cant change my sex, but you can change your policy." ~ Helen Kirkpatrick, stateswoman Current Mood: restless Current Music: audioslave- "drown me slowly" (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
2:07 am	what a fantastic lie ohh but what they dont know, is something's been leading me on over the wall at night while you're away you know how some people are completely different people, depending on who they're with? well i am completely the same, with all people, with the exception of myself. what does that say about me? maybe im fooling myself all of my sins are mine so that talk never feels shes entitled feel like my soul has died under the heel of time...how long will i be away? random thoughts: * i saw a lot of titties tonite * im not sure if im supposed to change * its nice to be alone sometimes * these chicks are pretty cool *HOLLA! * i love someone. GGGGUUUUrrrrrllll: "testosterone does not have to be toxic" ~Anna Quindlen Current Mood: anxious Current Music: splashdown (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
11:52 am	break the silence oh wow. tym came over last night. it was unbelieveable...it was as though nothing has changed. of all the people i know, it is his respect i have sought the most. he didn't leave until 5 am. im so glad i saw him. all i ever wanted, all i ever needed is here...in my arms lovlov to kdob. Current Mood: unforgettable Current Music: tori amos "enjoy the silence" (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 26th, 2005
5:30 pm	311rocksmyworld last night may have been the best night of MY LIFE!!! the 311 concert at towson was SICK! i had twelve shots of tequila and vodka with MEL (who is now one of my fav people) i made out with either 4 or 5 guys (katie knows the exact count), all of whom were cute, one of whom's number i got (superhot!) katie and i jumped in this random guys car and smoked pot with him and his friend (dankshit)! on the way there, mel and i sang 311 at the top of our lungs while hanging out the sun roof of nadia's car (sooo glad she drived). i crowd surfed!!! (enough said) i saw all these peeps from high school and we were all chillin and i freaked the fuck out! i had some serious roomie bonding (katieyourulerightnow). IT. WAS. AMAZING. (im quite hungover) i gotta go because tym is coming over (this should be interesting). KDOB~ i love you so and i miss you, i cant wait till you come home! GGGGGGUUUUURRRRRLLLL: "i realize why women die in childbirth-- its preferable" -Sherry Glaser Current Mood: crazy Current Music: jet --are you gonna be my girl? (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 24th, 2005
12:15 am	right for me? it snowed tonight. the first snow of the season. It was so calm. i stood out there in the cold and the dark. everything was really still, and i closed my eyes. i could hear the flakes as they fell. ever since i was a little, i have done this...some times i would hold my arms out and spin around while the snow fell around me. i have always loved the snow...it is so clean. it is so relaxing, because the sound of the falling is so quiet, but it still rings in my ears. even now, i can hear the falling. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: sarah mclachlan (1 Comment |Comment on this)